CHAPTER 7

Hewasasleepintherobeandhehadbeenasleep,hethought,foralongtime.Therobewasspreadontheforestfloorintheleeoftherocksbeyondthecavemouthandasheslept,heturned,andturningrolledonhispistolwhichwasfastenedbyalanyardtoonewristandhadbeenbyhissideunderthecoverwhenhewenttosleep,shoulderandbackweary,leg-tired,hismusclespulledwithtirednesssothatthegroundwassoft,andsimplystretchingintherobeagainsttheflannelliningwasvoluptuouswithfatigue.Waking,hewonderedwherehewas,knew,andthenshiftedthepistolfromunderhissideandsettledhappilytostretchbackintosleep,hishandonthepillowofhisclothingthatwasbundledneatlyaroundhisrope-soledshoes.Hehadonearmaroundthepillow.

Thenhefeltherhandonhisshoulderandturnedquickly,hisrighthandholdingthepistolundertherobe.

“Oh,itisthee,”hesaidanddroppingthepistolhereachedbotharmsupandpulledherdown.Withhisarmsaroundherhecouldfeelhershivering.

“Getin,”hesaidsoftly.“Itiscoldoutthere.”

“No.Imustnot.”

“Getin,”hesaid.“Andwecantalkaboutitlater.”

Shewastremblingandheheldherwristnowwithonehandandheldherlightlywiththeotherarm.Shehadturnedherheadaway.

“Getin,littlerabbit,”hesaidandkissedheronthebackoftheneck.

“Iamafraid.”

“No.Donotbeafraid.Getin.”

“How?”

“Justslipin.Thereismuchroom.Doyouwantmetohelpyou?”

“No,”shesaidandthenshewasintherobeandhewasholdinghertighttohimandtryingtokissherlipsandshewaspressingherfaceagainstthepillowofclothingbutholdingherarmsclosearoundhisneck.Thenhefeltherarmsrelaxandshewasshiveringagainasheheldher.

“No,”hesaidandlaughed.“Donotbeafraid.Thatisthepistol.”

Helifteditandslippeditbehindhim.

“Iamashamed,”shesaid,herfaceawayfromhim.

“No.Youmustnotbe.Here.Now.”

“No,Imustnot.Iamashamedandfrightened.”

“No.Myrabbit.Please.”

“Imustnot.Ifthoudostnotloveme.”

“Ilovethee.”

“Ilovethee.Oh,Ilovethee.Putthyhandonmyhead,”shesaidawayfromhim,herfacestillinthepillow.Heputhishandonherheadandstrokeditandthensuddenlyherfacewasawayfromthepillowandshewasinhisarms,pressedcloseagainsthim,andherfacewasagainsthisandshewascrying.

Heheldherstillandclose,feelingthelonglengthoftheyoungbody,andhestrokedherheadandkissedthewetsaltinessofhereyes,andasshecriedhecouldfeeltherounded,firm-pointedbreaststouchingthroughtheshirtshewore.

“Icannotkiss,”shesaid.“Idonotknowhow.”

“Thereisnoneedtokiss.”

“Yes.Imustkiss.Imustdoeverything.”

“Thereisnoneedtodoanything.Weareallright.Butthouhastmanyclothes.”

“WhatshouldIdo?”

“Iwillhelpyou.”

“Isthatbetter?”

“Yes.Much.Itisnotbettertothee?”

“Yes.Muchbetter.AndIcangowiththeeasPilarsaid?”

“Yes.”

“Butnottoahome.Withthee.”

“No,toahome.”

“No.No.No.WiththeeandIwillbethywoman.”

Nowastheylayallthatbeforehadbeenshieldedwasunshielded.Wheretherehadbeenroughnessoffabricallwassmoothwithasmoothnessandfirmroundedpressingandalongwarmcoolness,cooloutsideandwarmwithin,longandlightandcloselyholding,closelyheld,lonely,hollow-makingwithcontours,happymaking,youngandlovingandnowallwarmlysmoothwithahollowing,chest-aching,tight-heldlonelinessthatwassuchthatRobertJordanfelthecouldnotstanditandhesaid,“Hastthoulovedothers?”

“Never.”

Thensuddenly,goingdeadinhisarms,“Butthingsweredonetome.”

“Bywhom?”

“Byvarious.”

Nowshelayperfectlyquietlyandasthoughherbodyweredeadandturnedherheadawayfromhim.

“Nowyouwillnotloveme.”

“Iloveyou,”hesaid.

Butsomethinghadhappenedtohimandsheknewit.

“No,”shesaidandhervoicehadgonedeadandflat.“Thouwiltnotloveme.Butperhapsthouwilttakemetothehome.AndIwillgotothehomeandIwillneverbethywomannoranything.”

“Ilovethee,Maria.”

“No.Itisnottrue,”shesaid.Thenasalastthingpitifullyandhopefully.

“ButIhaveneverkissedanyman.”

“Thenkissmenow.”

“Iwantedto,”shesaid.“ButIknownothow.WherethingsweredonetomeIfoughtuntilIcouldnotsee.Ifoughtuntil—until—untilonesatuponmyhead——andIbithim—andthentheytiedmymouthandheldmyarmsbehindmyhead—andothersdidthingstome.”

“Ilovethee,Maria,”hesaid.“Andnoonehasdoneanythingtothee.Thee,theycannottouch.Noonehastouchedthee,littlerabbit.”

“Youbelievethat?”

“Iknowit.”

“Andyoucanloveme?”warmagainagainsthimnow.

“Icanlovetheemore.”

“Iwilltrytokisstheeverywell.”

“Kissmealittle.”

“Idonotknowhow.”

“Justkissme.”

Shekissedhimonthecheek.

“No.”

“Wheredothenosesgo?Ialwayswonderedwherethenoseswouldgo.”

“Look,turnthyhead,”andthentheirmouthsweretighttogetherandshelayclosepressedagainsthimandhermouthopenedalittlegraduallyandthen,suddenly,holdingheragainsthim,hewashappierthanhehadeverbeen,lightly,lovingly,exultingly,innerlyhappyandunthinkinganduntiredandunworriedandonlyfeelingagreatdelightandhesaid,“Mylittlerabbit.Mydarling.Mysweet.Mylonglovely.”

“Whatdoyousay?”shesaidasthoughfromagreatdistanceaway.

“Mylovelyone,”hesaid.

Theylaythereandhefeltherheartbeatingagainsthisandwiththesideofhisfoothestrokedverylightlyagainstthesideofhers.

“Theecamebarefooted,”hesaid.

“Yes.”

“Thentheeknewthouwertcomingtothebed.”

“Yes.”

“Andyouhadnofear.”

“Yes.Much.Butmorefearofhowitwouldbetotakemyshoesoff.”

“Andwhattimeisitnow?losabes?”

“No.Thouhastnowatch?”

“Yes.Butitisbehindthyback.”

“Takeitfromthere.”

“No.”

“Thenlookovermyshoulder.”

Itwasoneo’clock.Thedialshowedbrightinthedarknessthattherobemade.

“Thychinscratchesmyshoulder.”

“Pardonit.Ihavenotoolstoshave.”

“Ilikeit.Isthybeardblond?”

“Yes.”

“Andwillitbelong?”

“Notbeforethebridge.Maria,listen.Dostthou——?”

“DoIwhat?”

“Dostthouwish?”

“Yes.Everything.Please.Andifwedoeverythingtogether,theothermaybeneverwillhavebeen.”

“Didyouthinkofthat?”

“No.IthinkitinmyselfbutPilartoldme.”

“Sheisverywise.”

“Andanotherthing,”Mariasaidsoftly.“ShesaidformetotellyouthatIamnotsick.Sheknowsaboutsuchthingsandshesaidtotellyouthat.”

“Shetoldyoutotellme?”

“Yes.IspoketoherandtoldherthatIloveyou.IlovedyouwhenIsawyoutodayandIlovedyoualwaysbutIneversawyoubeforeandItoldPilarandshesaidifIevertoldyouanythingaboutanything,totellyouthatIwasnotsick.Theotherthingshetoldmelongago.Soonafterthetrain.”

“Whatdidshesay?”

“ShesaidthatnothingisdonetooneselfthatonedoesnotacceptandthatifIlovedsomeoneitwouldtakeitallaway.Iwishedtodie,yousee.”

“Whatshesaidistrue.”

“AndnowIamhappythatIdidnotdie.IamsohappythatIdidnotdie.Andyoucanloveme?”

“Yes.Iloveyounow.”

“AndIcanbethywoman?”

“IcannothaveawomandoingwhatIao.Butthouartmywomannow.”

“IfonceIam,thenIwillkeepon.AmIthywomannow?”

“Yes,Maria.Yes,mylittlerabbit.”

Sheheldherselftighttohimandherlipslookedforhisandthenfoundthemandwereagainstthemandhefelther,fresh,newandsmoothandyoungandlovelywiththewarm,scaldingcoolnessandunbelievabletobethereintherobethatwasasfamiliarashisclothes,orhisshoes,orhisdutyandthenshesaid,frightenedly,“Andnowletusdoquicklywhatitiswedosothattheotherisallgone.”

“Youwant?”

“Yes,”shesaidalmostfiercely.“Yes.Yes.Yes.”