CHAPTER 13

TheywerewalkingthroughtheheatherofthemountainmeadowandRobertJordanfeltthebrushingoftheheatheragainsthislegs,felttheweightofhispistolinitsholsteragainsthisthigh,feltthesunonhishead,feltthebreezefromthesnowofthemountainpeakscoolonhisbackand,inhishand,hefeltthegirl’shandfirmandstrong,thefingerslockedinhis.Fromit,fromthepalmofherhandagainstthepalmofhis,fromtheirfingerslockedtogether,andfromherwristacrosshiswristsomethingcamefromherhand,herfingersandherwristtohisthatwasasfreshasthefirstlightairthatmovingtowardyouovertheseabarelywrinklestheglassysurfaceofacalm,aslightasafeathermovedacrossone’slip,oraleaffallingwhenthereisnobreeze;solightthatitcouldbefeltwiththetouchoftheirfingersalone,butthatwassostrengthened,sointensified,andmadesourgent,soachingandsostrongbythehardpressureoftheirfingersandtheclosepressedpalmandwrist,thatitwasasthoughacurrentmoveduphisarmandfilledhiswholebodywithanachinghollownessofwanting.Withthesunshiningonherhair,tawnyaswheat,andonhergold-brownsmooth-lovelyfaceandonthecurveofherthroathebentherheadbackandheldhertohimandkissedher.Hefelthertremblingashekissedherandheheldthelengthofherbodytighttohimandfeltherbreastsagainsthischestthroughthetwokhakishirts,hefeltthemsmallandfirmandhereachedandundidthebuttonsonhershirtandbentandkissedherandshestoodshivering,holdingherheadback,hisarmbehindher.Thenshedroppedherchintohisheadandthenhefeltherhandsholdinghisheadandrockingitagainsther.Hestraightenedandwithhistwoarmsaroundherheldhersotightlythatshewasliftedofftheground,tightagainsthim,andhefelthertremblingandthenherlipswereonhisthroat,andthenheputherdownandsaid,“Maria,oh,myMaria.”

Thenhesaid,“Whereshouldwego?”

Shedidnotsayanythingbutslippedherhandinsideofhisshirtandhefeltherundoingtheshirtbuttonsandshesaid,“You,too.Iwanttokiss,too.”

“No,littlerabbit.”

“Yes.Yes.Everythingasyou.”

“Nay.Thatisanimpossibility.”

“Well,then.Oh,then.Oh,then.Oh.”

Thentherewasthesmellofheathercrushedandtheroughnessofthebentstalksunderherheadandthesunbrightonherclosedeyesandallhislifehewouldrememberthecurveofherthroatwithherheadpushedbackintotheheatherrootsandherlipsthatmovedsmallyandbythemselvesandtheflutteringofthelashesontheeyestightclosedagainstthesunandagainsteverything,andforhereverythingwasred,orange,gold-redfromthesunontheclosedeyes,anditallwasthatcolor,allofit,thefilling,thepossessing,thehaving,allofthatcolor,allinablindnessofthatcolor.Forhimitwasadarkpassagewhichledtonowhere,thentonowhere,thenagaintonowhere,onceagaintonowhere,alwaysandforevertonowhere,heavyontheelbowsintheearthtonowhere,dark,neveranyendtonowhere,hungonalltimealwaystounknowingnowhere,thistimeandagainforalwaystonowhere,nownottobeborneonceagainalwaysandtonowhere,nowbeyondallbearingup,up,upandintonowhere,suddenly,scaldingly,holdinglyallnowheregoneandtimeabsolutelystillandtheywereboththere,timehavingstoppedandhefelttheearthmoveoutandawayfromunderthem.

Thenhewaslyingonhisside,hisheaddeepintheheather,smellingitandthesmelloftherootsandtheearthandthesuncamethroughitanditwasscratchyonhisbareshouldersandalonghisflanksandthegirlwaslyingoppositehimwithhereyesstillshutandthensheopenedthemandsmiledathimandhesaidverytiredlyandfromagreatbutfriendlydistance,“Hello,rabbit.”Andshesmiledandfromnodistancesaid,“Hello,myInglé.”

“I’mnotanInglé,”hesaidverylazily.

“Ohyes,youare,”shesaid.“You’remyInglé,”andreachedandtookholdofbothhisearsandkissedhimontheforehead.

“There,”shesaid.“Howisthat?DoIkisstheebetter?”

Thentheywerewalkingalongthestreamtogetherandhesaid,“Maria,IlovetheeandthouartsolovelyandsowonderfulandsobeautifulanditdoessuchthingstometobewiththeethatIfeelasthoughIwantedtodiewhenIamlovingthee.”

“Oh,”shesaid.“Idieeachtime.Doyounotdie?”

“No.Almost.Butdidtheefeeltheearthmove?”é

“Yes.AsIdied.Putthyarmaroundme,please.”

“No.Ihavethyhand.Thyhandisenough.”

Helookedatherandacrossthemeadowwhereahawkwashuntingandthebigafternooncloudswerecomingnowoverthemountains.

“Anditisnotthusfortheewithothers?”Mariaaskedhim,theynowwalkinghandinhand.

“No.Truly.”

“Thouhastlovedmanyothers.”

“Some.Butnotasthee.”

“Anditwasnotthus?Truly?”

“Itwasapleasurebutitwasnotthus.”

“Andthentheearthmoved.Theearthnevermovedbefore?”

“Nay.Trulynever.”

“Ay,”shesaid.“Andthiswehaveforoneday.”

Hesaidnothing.

“Butwehavehaditnowatleast,”Mariasaid.“Anddoyoulikemetoo?DoIpleasethee?Iwilllookbetterlater.”

“Thouartverybeautifulnow.”

“Nay,”shesaid.“Butstrokethyhandacrossmyhead.”

Hedidthatfeelinghercroppedhairsoftandflatteningandthenrisingbetweenhisfingersandheputbothhandsonherheadandturnedherfaceuptohisandkissedher.

“Iliketokissverymuch,”shesaid.“ButIdonotdoitwell.”

“Thouhastnoneedtokiss.”

“Yes,Ihave.IfIamtobethywomanIshouldpleasetheeinallways.”

“Youpleasemeenough.Iwouldnotbemorepleased.ThereisnothingIcoulddoifIweremorepleased.”

“Butyouwillsee,”shesaidveryhappily.“Myhairamusestheenowbecauseitisodd.Buteverydayitisgrowing.ItwillbelongandthenIwillnotlookuglyandperhapsyouwilllovemeverymuch.”

“Thouhastalovelybody,”hesaid.“Theloveliestintheworld.”

“Itisonlyyoungandthin.”

“No.Inafinebodythereismagic.Idonotknowwhatmakesitinoneandnotinanother.Butthou

hastit.”

“Forthee,”shesaid.

“Nay.”

“Yes.Fortheeandfortheealwaysandonlyforthee.Butitislittletobringthee.Iwouldlearntotakegoodcareofthee.Buttellmetruly.Didtheearthnevermovefortheebefore?”

“Never,”hesaidtruly.

“NowamIhappy,”shesaid.“NowamItrulyhappy.

“Youarethinkingofsomethingelsenow?”sheaskedhim.

“Yes.Mywork.”

“Iwishwehadhorsestoride,”Mariasaid.“InmyhappinessIwouldliketobeonagoodhorseandridefastwiththeeridingfastbesidemeandwewouldridefasterandfaster,galloping,andneverpassmyhappiness.”

“Wecouldtakethyhappinessinaplane,”hesaidabsently.

“Andgooverandoverintheskylikethelittlepursuitplanesshininginthesun,”shesaid.“Rollingitinloopsandindives.Québueno!”shelaughed.“Myhappinesswouldnotevennoticeit.”

“Thyhappinesshasagoodstomach,”hesaidhalfhearingwhatshesaid.

Becausenowhewasnotthere.Hewaswalkingbesideherbuthismindwasthinkingoftheproblemofthebridgenowanditwasallclearandhardandsharpaswhenacameralensisbroughtintofocus.HesawthetwopostsandAnselmoandthegypsywatching.Hesawtheroademptyandhesawmovementonit.Hesawwherehewouldplacethetwoautomaticriflestogetthemostlevelfieldoffire,andwhowillservethem,hethought,meattheend,butwhoatthestart?Heplacedthecharges,wedgedandlashedthem,sunkhiscapsandcrimpedthem,ranhiswires,hookedthemupandgotbacktowherehehadplacedtheoldboxoftheexploderandthenhestartedtothinkofallthethingsthatcouldhavehappenedandthatmightgowrong.Stopit,hetoldhimself.Youhavemadelovetothisgirlandnowyourheadisclear,properlyclear,andyoustarttoworry.Itisonethingtothinkyoumustdoanditisanotherthingtoworry.Don’tworry.Youmustn’tworry.Youknowthethingsthatyoumayhavetodoandyouknowwhatmayhappen.Certainlyitmayhappen.

Youwentintoitknowingwhatyouwerefightingfor.Youwerefightingagainstexactlywhatyouweredoingandbeingforcedintodoingtohaveanychanceofwinning.Sonowhewascompelledtousethesepeoplewhomhelikedasyoushouldusetroopstowardwhomyouhavenofeelingatallifyouweretobesuccessful.Pablowasevidentlythesmartest.Heknewhowbaditwasinstantly.Thewomanwasallforit,andstillwas;buttherealizationofwhatitreallyconsistedinhadovercomehersteadilyandithaddoneplentytoheralready.Sordorecognizeditinstantlyandwoulddoitbuthedidnotlikeitanymorethanhe,RobertJordan,likedit.

Soyousaythatitisnotthatwhichwillhappentoyourselfbutthatwhichmayhappentothewomanandthegirlandtotheothersthatyouthinkof.Allright.Whatwouldhavehappenedtothemifyouhadnotcome?Whathappenedtothemandwhatpassedwiththembeforeyouwereeverhere?Youmustnotthinkinthatway.Youhavenoresponsibilityforthemexceptinaction.Theordersdonotcomefromyou.TheycomefromGolz.AndwhoisGolz?Agoodgeneral.Thebestyou’veeverservedunder.Butshouldamancarryoutimpossibleordersknowingwhattheyleadto?EventhoughtheycomefromGolz,whoisthepartyaswellasthearmy?Yes.Heshouldcarrythemoutbecauseitisonlyintheperformingofthemthattheycanprovetobeimpossible.Howdoyouknowtheyareimpossibleuntilyouhavetriedthem?Ifeveryonesaidorderswereimpossibletocarryoutwhentheywerereceivedwherewouldyoube?Wherewouldweallbeifyoujustsaid,“Impossible,”whenorderscame?

Hehadseenenoughofcommanderstowhomallorderswereimpossible.ThatswineGomezinEstremadura.Hehadseenenoughattackswhentheflanksdidnotadvancebecauseitwasimpossible.No,hewouldcarryouttheordersanditwasbadluckthatyoulikedthepeopleyoumustdoitwith.

Inalltheworkthatthey,thepartizans,did,theybroughtaddeddangerandbadlucktothepeoplethatshelteredthemandworkedwiththem.Forwhat?Sothat,eventually,thereshouldbenomoredangerandsothatthecountryshouldbeagoodplacetolivein.Thatwastruenomatterhowtriteitsounded.

IftheRepubliclostitwouldbeimpossibleforthosewhobelievedinittoliveinSpain.Butwouldit?Yes,heknewthatitwouldbe,fromthethingsthathappenedinthepartsthefascistshadalreadytaken.

Pablowasaswinebuttheotherswerefinepeopleandwasitnotabetrayalofthemalltogetthemtodothis?Perhapsitwas.Butiftheydidnotdoittwosquadronsofcavalrywouldcomeandhuntthemoutofthesehillsinaweek.

No.Therewasnothingtobegainedbyleavingthemalone.Exceptthatallpeopleshouldbeleftaloneandyoushouldinterferewithnoone.Sohebelievedthat,didhe?Yes,hebelievedthat.Andwhataboutaplannedsocietyandtherestofit?Thatwasfortheotherstodo.Hehadsomethingelsetodoafterthiswar.HefoughtnowinthiswarbecauseithadstartedinacountrythathelovedandhebelievedintheRepublicandthatifitweredestroyedlifewouldbeunbearableforallthosepeoplewhobelievedinit.HewasunderCommunistdisciplineforthedurationofthewar.HereinSpaintheCommunistsofferedthebestdisciplineandthesoundestandsanestfortheprosecutionofthewar.Heacceptedtheirdisciplineforthedurationofthewarbecause,intheconductofthewar,theyweretheonlypartywhoseprogramandwhosedisciplinehecouldrespect.

Whatwerehispoliticsthen?Hehadnonenow,hetoldhimself.Butdonottellanyoneelsethat,hethought.Don’teveradmitthat.Andwhatareyougoingtodoafterwards?IamgoingbackandearnmylivingteachingSpanishasbefore,andIamgoingtowriteatruebook.I’llbet,hesaid.I’llbetthatwillbeeasy.

HewouldhavetotalkwithPabloaboutpolitics.Itwouldcertainlybeinterestingtoseewhathispoliticaldevelopmenthadbeen.Theclassicalmovefromlefttoright,probably;likeoldLerroux.PablowasquitealotlikeLerroux.Prietowasasbad.PabloandPrietohadaboutanequalfaithintheultimatevictory.Theyallhadthepoliticsofhorsethieves.HebelievedintheRepublicasaformofgovernmentbuttheRepublicwouldhavetogetridofallofthatbunchofhorsethievesthatbroughtittothepassitwasinwhentherebellionstarted.Wasthereeverapeoplewhoseleaderswereastrulytheirenemiesasthisone?

Enemiesofthepeople.Thatwasaphrasehemightomit.Thatwasacatchphrasehewouldskip.ThatwasonethingthatsleepingwithMariahaddone.Hehadgottentobeasbigotedandhideboundabouthispoliticsasahard-shelledBaptistandphraseslikeenemiesofthepeoplecameintohismindwithouthismuchcriticizingtheminanyway.Anysortofclichésbothrevolutionaryandpatriotic.Hismindemployedthemwithoutcriticism.Ofcoursetheyweretruebutitwastooeasytobenimbleaboutusingthem.Butsincelastnightandthisafternoonhismindwasmuchclearerandcleaneronthatbusiness.Bigotryisanoddthing.Tobebigotedyouhavetobeabsolutelysurethatyouarerightandnothingmakesthatsuretyandrighteousnesslikecontinence.Continenceisthefoeofheresy.

Howwouldthatpremisestandupifheexaminedit?ThatwasprobablywhytheCommunistswerealwayscrackingdownonBohemianism.Whenyouweredrunkorwhenyoucommittedeitherfornicationoradulteryyourecognizedyourownpersonalfallibilityofthatsomutablesubstitutefortheapostles’creed,thepartyline.DownwithBohemianism,thesinofMayakovsky.

ButMayakovskywasasaintagain.Thatwasbecausehewassafelydead.You’llbesafelydeadyourself,hetoldhimself.Nowstopthinkingthatsortofthing.ThinkaboutMaria.

Mariawasveryhardonhisbigotry.Sofarshehadnotaffectedhisresolutionbuthewouldmuchprefernottodie.Hewouldabandonahero’soramartyr’sendgladly.HedidnotwanttomakeaThermopylae,norbeHoratiusatanybridge,norbetheDutchboywithhisfingerinthatdyke.No.HewouldliketospendsometimeWithMaria.Thatwasthesimplestexpressionofit.Hewouldliketospendalong,longtimewithher.

Hedidnotbelievetherewasevergoingtobeanysuchthingasalongtimeanymorebutifthereeverwassuchathinghewouldliketospenditwithher.WecouldgointothehotelandregisterasDoctorandMrs.LivingstoneIpresume,hethought.

Whynotmarryher?Sure,hethought.Iwillmarryher.ThenwewillbeMtandMrs.RobertJordanofSunValley,Idaho.OrCorpusChristi,Texas,orButte,Montana.

Spanishgirlsmakewonderfulwives.I’veneverhadonesoIknow.AndwhenIgetmyjobbackattheuniversityshecanbeaninstructor’swifeandwhenundergraduateswhotakeSpanishIVcomeintosmokepipesintheeveningandhavethosesovaluableinformaldiscussionsaboutQuevedo,LopedeVega,Galdósandtheotheralwaysadmirabledead,Mariacantellthemabouthowsomeoftheblue-shirtedcrusadersforthetruefaithsatonherheadwhileotherstwistedherarmsandpulledherskirtsupandstuffedtheminhermouth.

IwonderhowtheywilllikeMariainMissoula,Montana?ThatisifIcangetajobbackinMissoula.IsupposethatIamticketedasaRedtherenowforgoodandwillbeonthegeneralblacklist.Thoughyouneverknow.Younevercantell.They’venoproofofwhatyoudo,andasamatteroffacttheywouldneverbelieveitifyoutoldthem,andmypassportwasvalidforSpainbeforetheyissuedtherestrictions.

Thetimeforgettingbackwillnotbeuntilthefallofthirty-seven.Ileftinthesummerofthirty-sixandthoughtheleaveisforayearyoudonotneedtobebackuntilthefalltermopensinthefollowingyear.Thereisalotoftimebetweennowandthefallterm.Thereisalotoftimebetweennowanddayaftertomorrowifyouwanttoputitthatway.No.Ithinkthereisnoneedtoworryabouttheuniversity.Justyouturnupthereinthefallanditwillbeallright.Justtryandturnupthere.

Butithasbeenastrangelifeforalongtimenow.Damnedifithasn’t.Spainwasyourworkandyourjob,sobeinginSpainwasnaturalandsound.Youhadworkedsummersonengineeringprojectsandintheforestservicebuildingroadsandintheparkandlearnedtohandlepowder,sothedemolitionwasasoundandnormaljobtoo.Alwaysalittlehasty,butsound.

Onceyouaccepttheideaofdemolitionasaproblemitisonlyaproblem.ButtherewasplentythatwasnotsogoodthatwentwithitalthoughGodknowsyoutookiteasilyenough.Therewastheconstantattempttoapproximatetheconditionsofsuccessfulassassinationthataccompaniedthedemolition.Didbigwordsmakeitmoredefensible?Didtheymakekillinganymorepalatable?Youtooktoitalittletooreadilyifyouaskme,hetoldhimself.AndwhatyouwillbelikeorjustexactlywhatyouwillbesuitedforwhenyouleavetheserviceoftheRepublicis,tome,hethought,extremelydoubtful.Butmyguessisyouwillgetridofallthatbywritingaboutit,hesaid.Onceyouwriteitdownitisallgone.Itwillbeagoodbookifyoucanwriteit.Muchbetterthantheother.

Butinthemeantimeallthelifeyouhaveoreverwillhaveistoday,tonight,tomorrow,today,tonight,tomorrow,overandoveragain(Ihope),hethoughtandsoyouhadbettertakewhattimethereisandbeverythankfulforit.Ifthebridgegoesbad.Itdoesnotlooktoogoodjustnow.

ButMariahasbeengood.Hasshenot?Oh,hasshenot,hethought.MaybethatiswhatIamtogetnowfromlife.Maybethatismylifeandinsteadofitbeingthreescoreyearsandtenitisforty-eighthoursorjustthreescorehoursandtenortwelverather.Twenty-fourhoursinadaywouldbethreescoreandtwelveforthethreefulldays.

Isupposeitispossibletoliveasfullalifeinseventyhoursasinseventyyears;grantedthatyourlifehasbeenfulluptothetimethattheseventyhoursstartandthatyouhavereachedacertainage.

Whatnonsense,hethought.Whatrotyougettothinkingbyyourself.Thatisreallynonsense.Andmaybeitisn’tnonsensetoo.Well,wewillsee.ThelasttimeIsleptwithagirlwasinMadrid.Noitwasn’t.ItwasintheEscorialand,exceptthatIwokeinthenightandthoughtitwassomeoneelseandwasexciteduntilIrealizedwhoitreallywas,itwasjustdraggingashes;exceptthatitwaspleasantenough.AndthetimebeforethatwasinMadridandexceptforsomelyingandpretendingIdidtomyselfastoidentitywhilethingsweregoingon,itwasthesameorsomethingless.SoIamnoromanticglorifieroftheSpanishWomannordidIeverthinkofacasualpieceasanythingmuchotherthanacasualpieceinanycountry.ButwhenIamwithMariaIlovehersothatIfeel,literally,asthoughIwoulddieandIneverbelievedinthatnorthoughtthatitcouldhappen.

SoifyourlifetradesitsseventyyearsforseventyhoursIhavethatvaluenowandIamluckyenoughtoknowit.Andifthereisnotanysuchthingasalongtime,northerestofyourlives,norfromnowon,butthereisonlynow,whythennowisthethingtopraiseandIamveryhappywithit.Now,ahora,maintenant,heute.Now,ithasafunnysoundtobeawholeworldandyourlife.Estanoche,tonight,cesoir,heuteabend.Lifeandwife,VieandMari.Noitdidn’tworkout.TheFrenchturneditintohusband.Therewasnowandfrau;butthatdidnotproveanythingeither.Takedead,mort,muerto,andtodt.Todtwasthedeadestofthemall.War,_guerre_,guerra,andkrieg.Kriegwasthemostlikewar,orwasit?OrwasitonlythatheknewGermantheleastwell?Sweetheart,chérie,prenda,andschatz.HewouldtradethemallforMaria.Therewasaname.

Well,theywouldallbedoingittogetheranditwouldnotbelongnow.Itcertainlylookedworseallthetime.Itwasjustsomethingthatyoucouldnotbringoffinthemorning.Inanimpossiblesituationyouhangonuntilnighttogetaway.Youtrytolastoutuntilnighttogetbackin.Youareallright,maybe,ifyoucanstickitoutuntildarkandthengetin.Sowhatifyoustartthisstickingitoutatdaylight?Howaboutthat?AndthatpoorbloodySordoabandoninghispidginSpanishtoexplainittohimsocarefully.AsthoughhehadnotthoughtaboutthatwheneverhehaddoneanyparticularlybadthinkingeversinceGolzhadfirstmentionedit.Asthoughhehadn’tbeenlivingwiththatlikealumpofundigesteddoughinthepitofhisstomacheversincethenightbeforethenightbeforelast.

Whatabusiness.Yougoalongyourwholelifeandtheyseemasthoughtheymeansomethingandtheyalwaysendupnotmeaninganything.Therewasneveranyofwhatthisis.Youthinkthatisonethingthatyouwillneverhave.Andthen,onalousyshowlikethis,co-ordinatingtwochicken-crutguerillabandstohelpyoublowabridgeunderimpossibleconditions,toabortacounteroffensivethatwillprobablyalreadybestarted,yourunintoagirllikethisMaria.Sure.Thatiswhatyouwoulddo.Youranintoherratherlate,thatwasall.

SoawomanlikethatPilarpracticallypushedthisgirlintoyoursleepingbagandwhathappens?Yes,whathappens?Whathappens?Youtellmewhathappens,please.Yes.Thatisjustwhathappens.Thatisexactlywhathappens.

Don’tlietoyourselfaboutPilarpushingherintoyoursleepingrobeandtrytomakeitnothingortomakeitlousy.Youweregonewhenyoufirstsawher.Whenshefirstopenedhermouthandspoketoyouitwastherealreadyandyouknowit.Sinceyouhaveitandyouneverthoughtyouwouldhaveit,thereisnosensethrowingdirtatit,whenyouknowwhatitisandyouknowitcamethefirsttimeyoulookedatherasshecameoutbentovercarryingthatironcookingplatter.

Ithityouthenandyouknowitandsowhylieaboutit?Youwentallstrangeinsideeverytimeyoulookedatherandeverytimeshelookedatyou.Sowhydon’tyouadmitit?Allright,I’lladmitit.AndasforPilarpushingherontoyou,allPilardidwasbeanintelligentwoman.Shehadtakengoodcareofthegirlandshesawwhatwascomingtheminutethegirlcamebackintothecavewiththecookingdish.

Soshemadethingseasier.Shemadethingseasiersothattherewaslastnightandthisafternoon.Sheisadamnedsightmorecivilizedthanyouareandsheknowswhattimeisallabout.Yes,hesaidtohimself,Ithinkwecanadmitthatshehascertainnotionsaboutthevalueoftime.Shetookabeatingandallbecauseshedidnotwantotherpeoplelosingwhatshe’dlostandthentheideaofadmittingitwaslostwastoobigathingtoswallow.SoshetookabeatingbackthereonthehillandIguesswedidnotmakeitanyeasierforher.

Well,sothatiswhathappensandwhathashappenedandyoumightaswelladmititandnowyouwillneverhavetwowholenightswithher.Notalifetime,nottolivetogether,nottohavewhatpeoplewerealwayssupposedtohave,notatall.Onenightthatispast,onceoneafternoon,onenighttocome;maybe.No,sir.

Nottime,nothappiness,notfun,notchildren,notahouse,notabathroom,notacleanpairofpajamas,notthemorningpaper,nottowakeuptogether,nottowakeandknowshe’sthereandthatyou’renotalone.No.Noneofthat.Butwhy,whenthisisallyouaregoingtogetinlifeofwhatyouwant;whenyouhavefoundit;whynotjustonenightinabedwithsheets?

Youaskfortheimpossible.Youaskfortheruddyimpossible.Soifyoulovethisgirlasmuchasyousayyoudo,youhadbetterloveherveryhardandmakeupinintensitywhattherelationwilllackindurationandincontinuity.Doyouhearthat?Intheolddayspeopledevotedalifetimetoit.Andnowwhenyouhavefounditifyougettwonightsyouwonderwherealltheluckcamefrom.Twonights.Twonightstolove,honorandcherish.Forbetterandforworse.Insicknessandindeath.Nothatwasn’tit.Insicknessandinhealth.Tilldeathdouspart.Intwonights.Muchmorethanlikely.Muchmorethanlikelyandnowlayoffthatsortofthinking.Youcanstopthatnow.That’snotgoodforyou.Donothingthatisnotgoodforyou.Surethat’sit.

ThiswaswhatGolzhadtalkedabout.Thelongerhewasaround,thesmarterGolzseemed.Sothiswaswhathewasaskingabout;thecompensationofirregularservice.HadGolzhadthisandwasittheurgencyandthelackoftimeandthecircumstancesthatmadeit?Wasthissomethingthathappenedtoeveryonegivencomparablecircumstances?Anddidheonlythinkitwassomethingspecialbecauseitwashappeningtohim?HadGolzsleptaroundinahurrywhenhewascommandingirregularcavalryintheRedArmyandhadthecombinationofthecircumstancesandtherestofitmadethegirlsseemthewayMariawas?

ProbablyGolzknewallaboutthistooandwantedtomakethepointthatyoumustmakeyourwholelifeinthetwonightsthataregiventoyou;thatlivingaswedonowyoumustconcentrateallofthatwhichyoushouldalwayshaveintotheshorttimethatyoucanhaveit.

Itwasagoodsystemofbelief.ButhedidnotbelievethatMariahadonlybeenmadebythecircumstances.Unless,ofcourse,sheisareactionfromherowncircumstanceaswellashis.Heronecircumstanceisnotsogood,hethought.No,notsogood.

Ifthiswashowitwasthenthiswashowitwas.Buttherewasnolawthatmadehimsayhelikedit.IdidnotknowthatIcouldeverfeelwhatIhavefelt,hethought.Northatthiscouldhappentome.Iwouldliketohaveitformywholelife.Youwill,theotherpartofhimsaid.Youwill.Youhaveitnowandthatisallyourwholelifeis;now.Thereisnothingelsethannow.Thereisneitheryesterday,certainly,noristhereanytomorrow.Howoldmustyoubebeforeyouknowthat?Thereisonlynow,andifnowisonlytwodays,thentwodaysisyourlifeandeverythinginitwillbeinproportion.Thisishowyoulivealifeintwodays.Andifyoustopcomplainingandaskingforwhatyouneverwillget,youwillhaveagoodlife.Agoodlifeisnotmeasuredbyanybiblicalspan.

Sonowdonotworry,takewhatyouhave,anddoyourworkandyouwillhavealonglifeandaverymerryone.Hasn’titbeenmerrylately?Whatareyoucomplainingabout?That’sthethingaboutthissortofwork,hetoldhimself,andwasverypleasedwiththethought,itisn’tsomuchwhatyoulearnasitisthepeopleyoumeet.Hewaspleasedthenbecausehewasjokingandhecamebacktothegirl.

“Iloveyou,rabbit,”hesaidtothegirl.“Whatwasityouweresaying?”

“Iwassaying,”shetoldhim,“thatyoumustnotworryaboutyourworkbecauseIwillnotbotheryounorinterfere.IfthereisanythingIcandoyouwilltellme.”

“There’snothing,”hesaid.“Itisreallyverysimple.”

“IwilllearnfromPilarwhatIshoulddototakecareofamanwellandthosethingsIwilldo,”Mariasaid.“Then,asIlearn,Iwilldiscoverthingsformyselfandotherthingsyoucantellme.”

“Thereisnothingtodo.”

“Quéva,man,thereisnothing!Thysleepingrobe,thismorning,shouldhavebeenshakenandairedandhungsomewhereinthesun.Then,beforethedewcomes,itshouldbetakenintoshelter.”

“Goon,rabbit.”

“Thysocksshouldbewashedanddried.Iwouldseetheehadtwopair.”

“Whatelse?”

“IfthouwouldshowmeIwouldcleanandoilthypistol.”

“Kissme,”RobertJordansaid.

“Nay,thisisserious.Wiltthoushowmeaboutthepistol?Pilarhasragsandoil.Thereisacleaningrodinsidethecavethatshouldfitit.”

“Sure.I’llshowyou.”

“Then,”Mariasaid.“Ifyouwillteachmetoshootiteitheroneofuscouldshoottheotherandhimself,orherself,ifonewerewoundedanditwerenecessarytoavoidcapture.”

“Veryinteresting,”RobertJordansaid.“Doyouhavemanyideaslikethat?”

“Notmany,”Mariasaid.“Butitisagoodone.Pilargavemethisandshowedmehowtouseit,”sheopenedthebreastpocketofhershirtandtookoutacut-downleatherholdersuchaspocketcombsarecarriedinand,removingawiderubberbandthatclosedbothends,tookoutaGemtype,single-edgedrazorblade.“Ikeepthisalways,”sheexplained.“Pilarsaysyoumustmakethecutherejustbelowtheearanddrawittowardhere.”Sheshowedhimwithherfinger.“Shesaysthereisabigarterythereandthatdrawingthebladefromthereyoucannotmissit.Also,shesaysthereisnopainandyoumustsimplypressfirmlybelowtheearanddrawitdownward.Shesaysitisnothingandthattheycannotstopitifitisdone.”

“That’sright,”saidRobertJordan.“That’sthecarotidartery.”

Soshegoesaroundwiththatallthetime,hethought,asadefinitelyacceptedandproperlyorganizedpossibility.

“ButIwouldratherhavetheeshootme,”Mariasaid.“Promiseifthereiseveranyneedthatthouwiltshootme.”

“Sure,”RobertJordansaid.“Ipromise.”

“Thanktheeverymuch,”Mariatoldhim.“Iknowitisnoteasytodo.”

“That’sallright,”RobertJordansaid.

Youforgetallthis,hethought.Youforgetaboutthebeautiesofacivilwarwhenyoukeepyourmindtoomuchonyourwork.Youhaveforgottenthis.Well,youaresupposedto.Kashkincouldn’tforgetitanditspoiledhiswork.Ordoyouthinktheoldboyhadahunch?ItwasverystrangebecausehehadexperiencedabsolutelynoemotionabouttheshootingofKashkin.Heexpectedthatatsometimehemighthaveit.Butsofartherehadbeenabsolutelynone.

“ButthereareotherthingsIcandoforthee,”Mariatoldhim,walkingclosebesidehim,now,veryseriousandwomanly.

“Besidesshootme?”

“Yes.Icanrollcigarettesfortheewhenthouhastnomoreofthosewithtubes.Pilarhastaughtmetorollthemverywell,tightandneatandnotspilling.”

“Excellent,”saidRobertJordan.“Doyoulickthemyourself?”

“Yes,”thegirlsaid,“andwhenthouartwoundedIwillcarefortheeanddressthywoundandwashtheeandfeedthee-”

“MaybeIwon’tbewounded,”RobertJordansaid.

“ThenwhenyouaresickIwillcarefortheeandmaketheesoupsandcleantheeanddoallforthee.AndIwillreadtothee.”

“MaybeIwon’tgetsick.”

“ThenIwillbringtheecoffeeinthemorningwhenthouwakest—”

“MaybeIdon’tlikecoffee,”RobertJordantoldher.

“Nay,butyoudo,”thegirlsaidhappily.“Thismorningyoutooktwocups.”

“SupposeIgettiredofcoffeeandthere’snoneedtoshootmeandI’mneitherwoundednorsickandIgiveupsmokingandhaveonlyonepairofsocksandhangupmyrobemyself.Whatthen,rabbit?”hepattedherontheback.“Whatthen?”

“Then,”saidMaria,“IwillborrowthescissorsofPilarandcutthyhair.”

“Idon’tliketohavemyhaircut.”

“NeitherdoI,”saidMaria.“AndIlikethyhairasitis.So.Ifthereisnothingtodoforthee,Iwillsitbytheeandwatchtheeandinthenightswewillmakelove.”

“Good,”RobertJordansaid.“Thelastprojectisverysensible.”

“Tomeitseemsthesame,”Mariasmiled.“Oh,Inglé,”shesaid.

“MynameisRoberto.”

“Nay.ButIcalltheeIngléasPilardoes.”

“StillitisRoberto.”

“No,”shetoldhim.“NowforawholedayitisInglé.AndInglé,canIhelptheewiththywork?”

“No.WhatIdonowIdoaloneandverycoldlyinmyhead.”

“Good,”shesaid.“Andwhenwillitbefinished?”

“Tonight,withluck.”

“Good,”shesaid.

Belowthemwasthelastwoodsthatledtothecamp.

“Whoisthat?”RobertJordanaskedandpointed.

“Pilar,”thegirlsaid,lookingalonghisarm.“SurelyitisPilar.”

Attheloweredgeofthemeadowwherethefirsttreesgrewthewomanwassitting,herheadonherarms.Shelookedlikeadarkbundlefromwheretheystood;blackagainstthebrownofthetreetrunk.

“Comeon,”RobertJordansaidandstartedtoruntowardherthroughtheknee-highheather.Itwasheavyandhardtoruninandwhenhehadrunalittleway,heslowedandwalked.Hecouldseethewoman’sheadwasonherfoldedarmsandshelookedbroadandblackagainstthetreetrunk.Hecameuptoherandsaid,“Pilar!”sharply.

Thewomanraisedherheadandlookedupathim.

“Oh,”shesaid.“Youhaveterminatedalready?”

“Artthouill?”heaskedandbentdownbyher.

“Quéva,”shesaid.“Iwasasleep.”

“Pilar,”Maria,whohadcomeup,saidandkneeleddownbyher.“Howareyou?Areyouallright?”

“I’mmagnificent,”Pilarsaidbutshedidnotgetup.Shelookedatthetwoofthem.“Well,Inglé,”shesaid.“Youhavebeendoingmanlytricksagain?”

“Youareallright?”RobertJordanasked,ignoringthewords.

“Whynot?Islept.Didyou?”

“No.”

“Well,”Pilarsaidtothegirl.“Itseemstoagreewithyou.”

Mariablushedandsaidnothing.

“Leaveheralone,”RobertJordansaid.

“Noonespoketothee,”Pilartoldhim.“Maria,”shesaidandhervoicewashard.Thegirldidnotlookup.

“Maria,”thewomansaidagain.“Isaiditseemstoagreewiththee.”

“Oh,leaveheralone,”RobertJordansaidagain.

“Shutup,you,”Pilarsaidwithoutlookingathim.“Listen,Maria,tellmeonething.”

“No,”Mariasaidandshookherhead.

“Maria,”Pilarsaid,andhervoicewasashardasherfaceandtherewasnothingfriendlyinherface.“Tellmeonethingofthyownvolition.”

Thegirlshookherhead.

RobertJordanwasthinking,ifIdidnothavetoworkwiththiswomanandherdrunkenmanandherchicken-crutoutfit,Iwouldslaphersohardacrossthefacethat.

“Goaheadandtellme,”Pilarsaidtothegirl.

“No,”Mariasaid.“No.”

“Leaveheralone,”RobertJordansaidandhisvoicedidnotsoundlikehisownvoice.I’llslapheranywayandthehellwithit,hethought.

Pilardidnotevenspeaktohim.Itwasnotlikeasnakecharmingabird,noracatwithabird.Therewasnothingpredatory.Norwasthereanythingpervertedaboutit.Therewasaspreading,though,asacobra’shoodspreads.Hecouldfeelthis.Hecouldfeelthemenaceofthespreading.Butthespreadingwasadomination,notofevil,butofsearching.IwishIdidnotseethis,RobertJordanthought.Butitisnotabusinessforslapping.

“Maria,”Pilarsaid.“Iwillnottouchthee.Tellmenowofthyownvolition.”

“Detupropiavoluntad,”thewordswereinSpanish.

Thegirlshookherhead.

“Maria,”Pilarsaid.“Nowandofthyownvolition.Youhearme?Anythingatall.”

“No,”thegirlsaidsoftly.“Noandno.”

“Nowyouwilltellme,”Pilartoldher.“Anythingatall.Youwillsee.Nowyouwilltellme.”

“Theearthmoved,”Mariasaid,notlookingatthewoman.“Truly.ItwasathingIcannottellthee.”

“So,”Pilarsaidandhervoicewaswarmandfriendlyandtherewasnocompulsioninit.ButRobertJordannoticedthereweresmalldropsofperspirationonherforeheadandherlips.“Sotherewasthat.Sothatwasit.”

“Itistrue,”Mariasaidandbitherlip.

“Ofcourseitistrue,”Pilarsaidkindly.“Butdonottellittoyourownpeoplefortheyneverwillbelieveyou.YouhavenoCaliblood,Inglé”

Shegottoherfeet,RobertJordanhelpingherup.

“No,”hesaid.“NotthatIknowof.”

“NorhastheMariathatsheknowsof,”Pilarsaid.“Puesesmuyraro.Itisverystrange.”

“Butithappened,Pilar,”Mariasaid.

“Cómoqueno,hija?”Pilarsaid.“Whynot,daughter?WhenIwasyoungtheearthmovedsothatyoucouldfeelitallshiftinspaceandwereafraiditwouldgooutfromunderyou.Ithappenedeverynight.”

“Youlie,”Mariasaid.

“Yes,”Pilarsaid.“Ilie.Itnevermovesmorethanthreetimesinalifetime.Diditreallymove?”

“Yes,”thegirlsaid.“Truly.”

“Foryou,Inglé?”PilarlookedatRobertJordan.“Don’tlie.”

“Yes,”hesaid.“Truly.”

“Good,”saidPilar.“Good.Thatissomething.”

“Whatdoyoumeanaboutthethreetimes?”Mariaasked.“Whydoyousaythat?”

“Threetimes,”saidPilar.“Nowyou’vehadone.”

“Onlythreetimes?”

“Formostpeople,never,”Pilartoldher.“Youaresureitmoved?”

“Onecouldhavefallenoff,”Mariasaid.

“Iguessitmoved,then,”Pilarsaid.“Come,then,andletusgettocamp.”

“What’sthisnonsenseaboutthreetimes?”RobertJordansaidtothebigwomanastheywalkedthroughthepinestogether.

“Nonsense?”shelookedathimwryly.“Don’ttalktomeofnonsense,littleEnglish.”

“Isitawizardrylikethepalmsofthehands?”

“Nay,itiscommonandprovenknowledgewithGitanos.”

“ButwearenotGitanos.”

“Nay.Butyouhavehadalittleluck.Non-gypsieshavealittlelucksometimes.”

“Youmeanittrulyaboutthethreetimes?”

Shelookedathimagain,oddly.“Leaveme,Inglé,”shesaid.“Don’tmolestme.Youaretooyoungformetospeakto.”

“But,Pilar,”Mariasaid.

“Shutup,”Pilartoldher.“Youhavehadoneandtherearetwomoreintheworldforthee.”

“Andyou?”RobertJordanaskedher.

“Two,”saidPilarandputuptwofingers.“Two.Andtherewillneverbeathird.”

“Whynot?”Mariaasked.

“Oh,shutup,”Pilarsaid.“Shutup.Busnesofthyageboreme.”

“Whynotathird?”RobertJordanasked.

“Oh,shutup,willyou?”Pilarsaid.“Shutup!”

Allright,RobertJordansaidtohimself.OnlyIamnothavingany.I’veknownalotofgypsiesandtheyarestrangeenough.Butsoarewe.Thedifferenceiswehavetomakeanhonestliving.Nobodyknowswhattribeswecamefromnorwhatourtribalinheritanceisnorwhatthemysterieswereinthewoodswherethepeoplelivedthatwecamefrom.Allweknowisthatwedonotknow.Weknownothingaboutwhathappenstousinthenights.Whenithappensinthedaythough,itissomething.Whateverhappened,happenedandnowthiswomannotonlyhastomakethegirlsayitwhenshedidnotwantto;butshehastotakeitoverandmakeitherown.Shehastomakeitintoagypsything.Ithoughtshetookabeatingupthehillbutshewascertainlydominatingjustnowbackthere.Ifithadbeenevilsheshouldhavebeenshot.Butitwasn’tevil.Itwasonlywantingtokeepherholdonlife.TokeepitthroughMaria.

Whenyougetthroughwiththiswaryoumighttakeupthestudyofwomen,hesaidtohimself.YoucouldstartwithPilar.Shehasputinaprettycomplicatedday,ifyouaskme.Sheneverbroughtinthegypsystuffbefore.Exceptthehand,hethought.Yes,ofcoursethehand.AndIdon’tthinkshewasfakingaboutthehand.Shewouldn’ttellmewhatshesaw,ofcourse.Whatevershesawshebelievedinherself.Butthatprovesnothing.

“Listen,Pilar,”hesaidtothewoman.

Pilarlookedathimandsmiled.

“Whatisit?”sheasked.

“Don’tbesomysterious,”RobertJordansaid.“Thesemysteriestiremeverymuch.”

“So?”Pilarsaid.

“Idonotbelieveinogres,soothsayers,fortunetellers,orchicken-crutgypsywitchcraft.”

“Oh,”saidPilar.

“No.Andyoucanleavethegirlalone.”

“Iwillleavethegirlalone.”

“Andleavethemysteries,”RobertJordansaid.“Wehaveenoughworkandenoughthingsthatwillbedonewithoutcomplicatingitwithchicken-crut.Fewermysteriesandmorework.”

“Isee,”saidPilarandnoddedherheadinagreement.“Andlisten,Inglé,”shesaidandsmiledathim.“Didtheearthmove?”

“Yes,Goddamnyou.Itmoved.”

PilarlaughedandlaughedandstoodlookingatRobertJordanlaughing.

“Oh,Inglé.Inglé,”shesaidlaughing.“Youareverycomical.Youmustdomuchworknowtoregainthydignity.”

TheHellwithyou,RobertJordanthought.Buthekepthismouthshut.Whiletheyhadspokenthesunhadcloudedoverandashelookedbackuptowardthemountainstheskywasnowheavyandgray.

“Sure,”Pilarsaidtohim,lookingatthesky.“Itwillsnow.”

“Now?AlmostinJune?”

“Whynot?Thesemountainsdonotknowthenamesofthemonths.WeareinthemoonofMay.”

“Itcan’tbesnow,”hesaid.“Itcan’tsnow.”

“Justthesame,Inglé,”shesaidtohim,“itwillsnow.”

RobertJordanlookedupatthethickgrayoftheskywiththesungonefaintlyyellow,andnowashewatchedgonecompletelyandthegraybecominguniformsothatitwassoftandheavy;thegraynowcuttingoffthetopsofthemountains.

“Yes,”hesaid.“Iguessyouareright.”