CHAPTER 35

RobertJordanlayintherobebesidethegirlMariawhowasstillsleeping.Helayonhissideturnedawayfromthegirlandhefeltherlongbodyagainsthisbackandthetouchofitnowwasjustanirony.You,you,heragedathimself.Yes,you.Youtoldyourselfthefirsttimeyousawhimthatwhenhewouldbefriendlywouldbewhenthetreacherywouldcome.Youdamnedfool.Youutterblasteddamnedfool.Chuckallthat.That’snotwhatyouhavetodonow.

Whatarethechancesthathehidthemorthrewthemaway?Notsogood.Besidesyou’dneverfindtheminthedark.Hewouldhavekeptthem.Hetooksomedynamite,too.Oh,thedirty,vile,treacheroussod.Thedirtyrottencrut.Whycouldn’thehavejustmuckedoffandnothavetakentheexploderandthedetonators?WhywasIsuchanuttergoddamnedfoolastoleavethemwiththatbloodywoman?Thesmart,treacherousuglybastard.Thedirtycabrón.

Cutitoutandtakeiteasy,hetoldhimself.Youhadtotakechancesandthatwasthebesttherewas.You’rejustmucked,hetoldhimself.You’remuckedforgoodandhigherthanakite.Keepyourdamnedheadandgettheangeroutandstopthischeaplamentinglikeadamnedwailingwall.It’sgone.Goddamnyou,it’sgone.Ohdamnthedirtyswinetohell.Youcanmuckyourwayoutofit.You’vegotto,youknowyou’vegottoblowitifyouhavetostandthereand—cutOutthatstuff,too.Whydon’tyouaskyourgrandfather?

Oh,muckmygrandfatherandmuckthiswholetreacherousmuck-facedmuckingcountryandeverymuckingSpaniardinitoneithersideandtohellforever.Muckthemtohelltogether,Largo,Prieto,Asensio,Miaja,Rojo,allofthem.Muckeveryoneofthemtodeathtohell.Muckthewholetreachery-riddencountry.Mucktheiregotismandtheirselfishnessandtheirselfishnessandtheiregotismandtheirconceitandtheirtreachery.Muckthemtohellandalways.Muckthembeforewedieforthem.Muckthemafterwedieforthem.Muckthemtodeathandhell.GodmuckPablo.Pabloisallofthem.GodpitytheSpanishpeople.Anyleadertheyhavewillmuckthem.Onegoodman,PabloIglesias,intwothousandyearsandeverybodyelsemuckingthem.Howdoweknowhowhewouldhavestoodupinthiswar?IrememberwhenIthoughtLargowasO.K.DurrutiwasgoodandhisownpeopleshothimthereatthePuentedelosFranceses.Shothimbecausehewantedthemtoattack.Shothiminthegloriousdisciplineofindiscipline.Thecowardlyswine.Ohmuckthemalltohellandbedamned.AndthatPablothatjustmuckedoffwithmyexploderandmyboxofdetonators.Ohmuckhimtodeepesthell.Butno.He’smuckedusinstead.Theyalwaysmuckyouinstead,fromCortezandMenendezdeAviladowntoMiaja.LookatwhatMiajadidtoKleber.Thebaldegotisticalswine.Thestupidegg-headedbastard.Muckalltheinsane,egotistical,treacherousswinethathavealwaysgovernedSpainandruledherarmies.Muckeverybodybutthepeopleandthenbedamnedcarefulwhattheyturnintowhentheyhavepower.

Hisragebegantothinasheexaggeratedmoreandmoreandspreadhisscornandcontemptsowidelyandunjustlythathecouldnolongerbelieveinithimself.Ifthatweretruewhatareyouherefor?It’snottrueandyouknowit.Lookatallthegoodones.Lookatallthefineones.Hecouldnotbeartobeunjust.Hehatedinjusticeashehatedcrueltyandhelayinhisragethatblindedhisminduntilgraduallytheangerdieddownandthered,black,blinding,killingangerwasallgoneandhismindnowasquiet,empty-calmandsharp,cold-seeingasamanisafterhehashadsexualintercoursewithawomanthathedoesnotlove.

“Andyou,youpoorrabbit,”heleanedoverandsaidtoMaria,whosmiledinhersleepandmovedcloseagainsthim.“Iwouldhavestrucktheethereawhilebackifthouhadspoken.Whatananimalamanisinarage.”

Helayclosetothegirlnowwithhisarmsaroundherandhischinonhershoulderandlyingtherehefiguredoutexactlywhathewouldhavetodoandhowhewouldhavetodoit.

Anditisn’tsobad,hethought.Itreallyisn’tsobadatall.Idon’tknowwhetheranyonehaseverdoneitbefore.Buttherewillalwaysbepeoplewhowilldoitfromnowon,givenasimilarjam.Ifwedoitandiftheyhearaboutit.Iftheyhearaboutit,yes.Iftheydonotjustwonderhowitwaswedidit.Wearetooshortofpeoplebutthereisnosensetoworryaboutthat.Iwilldothebridgewithwhatwehave.God,I’mgladIgotoverbeingangry.Itwaslikenotbeingabletobreatheinastorm.Thatbeingangryisanotherdamnedluxuryyoucan’tafford.

“It’sallfiguredout,guapa,”hesaidsoftlyagainstMaria’sshoulder.“Youhaven’tbeenbotheredbyanyofit.Youhavenotknownaboutit.We’llbekilledbutwe’llblowthebridge.Youhavenothadtoworryaboutit.Thatisn’tmuchofaweddingpresent.Butisnotagoodnight’ssleepsupposedtobepriceless?Youhadagoodnight’ssleep.Seeifyoucanwearthatlikearingonyourfinger.Sleep,guapa.Sleepwell,mybeloved.Idonotwakethee.ThatisallIcandofortheenow.”

Helaythereholdingherverylightly,feelingherbreatheandfeelingherheartbeat,andkeepingtrackofthetimeonhiswristwatch.