CHAPTER 31

Sonowtheywereintherobeagaintogetheranditwaslateinthelastnight.Marialaycloseagainsthimandhefeltthelongsmoothnessofherthighsagainsthisandherbreastsliketwosmallhillsthatriseoutofthelongplainwherethereisawell,andthefarcountrybeyondthehillswasthevalleyofherthroatwherehislipswere.Helayveryquietanddidnotthinkandshestrokedhisheadwithherhand.

“Roberto,”Mariasaidverysoftlyandkissedhim.“Iamashamed.Idonotwishtodisappointtheebutthereisagreatsorenessandmuchpain.IdonotthinkIwouldbeanygoodtothee.”

“Thereisalwaysagreatsorenessandmuchpain,”hesaid.“Nay,rabbit.Thatisnothing.Wewilldonothingthatmakespain.”

“Itisnotthat.ItisthatIamnotgoodtoreceivetheeasIwishto.”

“Thatisofnoimportance.Thatisapassingthing.Wearetogetherwhenwelietogether.”

“Yes,butIamashamed.Ithinkitwasfromwhenthingsweredonetomethatitcomes.Notfromtheeandme.”

“Letusnottalkofthat.”

“NordoIwishto.ImeantIcouldnotbeartofailtheenowonthisnightandsoIsoughttoexcusemyself.”

“Listen,rabbit,”hesaid.“Allsuchthingspassandthenthereisnoproblem.”Buthethought;itwasnotgoodluckforthelastnight.

Thenhewasashamedandsaid,“Liecloseagainstme,rabbit.IlovetheeasmuchfeelingtheeagainstmeinhereinthedarkasIlovetheemakinglove.”

“IamdeeplyashamedbecauseIthoughtitmightbeagaintonightasitwasinthehighcountrywhenwecamedownfromElSordo’s.”

“Quéva,”hesaidtoher.“Thatisnotforeveryday.Ilikeitthusaswellastheother.”Helied,puttingasidedisappointment.“Wewillbeheretogetherquietlyandwewillsleep.Letustalktogether.Iknowtheeverylittlefromtalking.”

“Shouldwespeakoftomorrowandofthywork?Iwouldliketobeintelligentaboutthywork.”

“No,”hesaidandrelaxedcompletelyintothelengthoftherobeandlaynowquietlywithhischeekagainsthershoulder,hisleftarmunderherhead.“Themostintelligentisnottotalkabouttomorrownorwhathappenedtoday.Inthiswedonotdiscussthelossesandwhatwemustdotomorrowwewilldo.Thouartnotafraid?”

“Quéva,”shesaid.“Iamalwaysafraid.ButnowIamafraidfortheesomuchIdonotthinkofme.”

“Thoumustnot,rabbit.Ihavebeeninmanythings.Andworsethanthis,”helied.

Thensuddenlysurrenderingtosomething,totheluxuryofgoingintounreality,hesaid,“LetustalkofMadridandofusinMadrid.”

“Good,”shesaid.Then,“Oh,Roberto,IamsorryIhavefailedthee.IstherenotsomeotherthingthatIcandoforthee?”

Hestrokedherheadandkissedherandthenlaycloseandrelaxedbesideher,listeningtothequietofthenight.

“ThoucansttalkwithmeofMadrid,”hesaidandthought:I’llkeepanyoversupplyofthatfortomorrow.I’llneedallofthatthereistomorrow.TherearenopineneedlesthatneedthatnowasIwillneedittomorrow.WhowasitcasthisseeduponthegroundintheBible?Onan.HowdidOnanturnout?hethought.Idon’tremembereverhearinganymoreaboutOnan.Hesmiledinthedark.

Thenhesurrenderedagainandlethimselfslipintoit,feelingavoluptuousnessofsurrenderintounrealitythatwaslikeasexualacceptanceofsomethingthatcouldcomeinthenightwhentherewasnounderstanding,onlythedelightofacceptance.

“Mybeloved,”hesaid,andkissedher.“Listen.TheothernightIwasthinkingaboutMadridandIthoughthowIwouldgetthereandleavetheeatthehotelwhileIwentuptoseepeopleatthehoteloftheRussians.Butthatwasfalse.Iwouldnotleavetheeatanyhotel.”

“Whynot?”

“BecauseIwilltakecareofthee.Iwillnoteverleavethee.IwillgowiththeetotheSeguridadtogetpapers.ThenIwillgowiththeetobuythoseclothesthatareneeded.”

“Theyarefew,andIcanbuythem.”

“Nay,theyaremanyandwewillgotogetherandbuygoodonesandthouwiltbebeautifulinthem.”

“IwouldratherwestayedintheroominthehotelandsentOutfortheclothes.Whereisthehotel?”

“ItisonthePlazadelCallao.Wewillbemuchinthatroominthathotel.ThereisawidebedwithcleansheetsandthereishotrunningwaterinthebathtubandtherearetwoclosetsandIwillkeepmythingsinoneandthouwilttaketheother.Andtherearetall,widewindowsthatopen,andoutside,inthestreets,thereisthespring.AlsoIknowgoodplacestoeatthatareillegalbutwithgoodfood,andIknowshopswherethereisstillwineandwhiskey.AndwewillkeepthingstoeatintheroomforwhenwearehungryandalsowhiskeyforwhenIwishadrinkandIwillbuytheemanzanilla.”

“Iwouldliketotrythewhiskey.”

“Butsinceitisdifficulttoobtainandifthoulikestmanzanilla.”

“Keepthywhiskey,Roberto,”shesaid.“Oh,Ilovetheeverymuch.ThouandthywhiskeythatIcouldnothave.Whatapigthouart.”

“Nay,youshalltryit.Butitisnotgoodforawoman.”

“AndIhaveonlyhadthingsthatweregoodforawoman,”Mariasaid.“ThenthereinbedIwillstillwearmyweddingshirt?”

“Nay.Iwillbuytheevariousnightgownsandpajamastooifyoushouldpreferthem.”

“Iwillbuysevenweddingshirts,”shesaid.“Oneforeachdayoftheweek.AndIwillbuyacleanweddingshirtforthee.Dosteverwashthyshirt?”

“Sometimes.”

“IwillkeepeverythingcleanandIwillpourthywhiskeyandputthewaterinitasitwasdoneatSordo’s.Iwillobtainolivesandsaltedcodfishandhazelnutsfortheetoeatwhilethoudrinkestandwewillstayintheroomforamonthandneverleaveit.IfIamfittoreceivethee,”shesaid,suddenlyunhappy.

“Thatisnothing,”RobertJordantoldher.“Trulyitisnothing.Itispossiblethouwerthurtthereonceandnowthereisascarthatmakesafurtherhurting.Suchathingispossible.Allsuchthingspass.AndalsotherearegooddoctorsinMadridifthereistrulyanything.”

“Butallwasgoodbefore,”shesaidpleadingly.

“Thatisthepromisethatallwillbegoodagain.”

“ThenletustalkagainaboutMadrid.”Shecurledherlegsbetweenhisandrubbedthetopofherheadagainsthisshoulder.“ButwillInotbesouglytherewiththiscroppedheadthatthouwiltbeashamedofme?”

“Nay.Thouartlovely.Thouhastalovelyfaceandabeautifulbody,longandlight,andthyskinissmoothandthecolorofburntgoldandeveryonewilltrytotaketheefromme.”

“Quéva,takemefromthee,”shesaid.“NoothermanwillevertouchmetillIdie.Takemefromthee!Quéva.”

“Butmanywilltry.Thouwiltsee.”

“TheywillseeIlovetheesothattheywillknowitwouldbeasunsafeasputtingtheirhandsintoacauldronofmeltedleadtotouchme.Butthou?Whenthouseestbeautifulwomenofthesamecultureasthee?Thouwiltnotbeashamedofme?”

“Never.AndIwillmarrythee.”

“Ifyouwish,”shesaid.“ButsincewenolongerhavetheChurchIdonotthinkitcarriesimportance.”

“Iwouldlikeustobemarried.”

“Ifyouwish.Butlisten.IfwewereeverinanothercountrywheretherestillwastheChurchperhapswecouldbemarriedinitthere.”

“InmycountrytheystillhavetheChurch,”hetoldher.“Therewecanbemarriedinitifitmeansaughttothee.Ihaveneverbeenmarried.Thereisnoproblem.”

“Iamgladthouhastneverbeenmarried,”shesaid.“ButIamgladthouknowestaboutsuchthingsasyouhavetoldmeforthatmeansthouhastbeenwithmanywomenandthePilartoldmethatitisonlysuchmenwhoarepossibleforhusbands.Butthouwiltnotrunwithotherwomennow?Becauseitwouldkillme.”

“Ihaveneverrunwithmanywomen,”hesaid,truly.“UntiltheeIdidnotthinkthatIcouldloveonedeeply.”

Shestrokedhischeeksandthenheldherhandsclaspedbehindhishead.“Thoumusthaveknownverymany.”

“Nottolovethem.”

“Listen.ThePilartoldmesomething——”

“Sayit.”

“No.Itisbetternotto.LetustalkagainaboutMadrid.”

“Whatwasityouweregoingtosay?”

“Idonotwishtosayit.”

“Perhapsitwouldbebettertosayitifitcouldbeimportant.”

“Youthinkitisimportant?”

“Yes.”

“Buthowcanyouknowwhenyoudonotknowwhatitis?”

“Fromthymanner.”

“Iwillnotkeepitfromyouthen.ThePilartoldmethatwewouldalldietomorrowandthatyouknowitaswellasshedoesandthatyougiveitnoimportance.Shesaidthisnotincriticismbutinadmiration.”

“Shesaidthat?”hesaid.Thecrazybitch,hethought,andhesaid,“Thatismoreofhergypsymanure.Thatisthewayoldmarketwomenandcafécowardstalk.Thatismanuringobscenity.”Hefeltthesweatthatcamefromunderhisarmpitsandsliddownbetweenhisarmandhissideandhesaidtohimself,Soyouarescared,eh?andaloudhesaid,“Sheisamanure-mouthedsuperstitiousbitch.LetustalkagainofMadrid.”

“Thenyouknownosuchthing?”

“Ofcoursenot.Donottalksuchmanure,”hesaid,usingastronger,uglyword.

ButthistimewhenhetalkedaboutMadridtherewasnoslippingintomake-believeagain.Nowhewasjustlyingtohisgirlandtohimselftopassthenightbeforebattleandheknewit.Helikedtodoit,butalltheluxuryoftheacceptancewasgone.Buthestartedagain.

“Ihavethoughtaboutthyhair,”hesaid.“Andwhatwecandoaboutit.YouseeitgrowsnowalloverthyheadthesamelengthlikethefurofananimalanditislovelytofeelandIloveitverymuchanditisbeautifulanditflattensandriseslikeawheatfieldinthewindwhenIpassmyhandoverit.”

“Passthyhandoverit.”

Hedidandlefthishandthereandwentontalkingtoherthroat,ashefelthisownthroatswell.“ButinMadridIthoughtwecouldgotogethertothecoiffeur’sandtheycouldcutitneatlyonthesidesandinthebackastheycutmineandthatwayitwouldlookbetterinthetownwhileitisgrowingout.”

“Iwouldlooklikethee,”shesaidandheldhimclosetoher.“AndthenIneverwouldwanttochangeit.”

“Nay.Itwillgrowallthetimeandthatwillonlybetokeepitneatatthestartwhileitisgrowinglong.Howlongwillittakeittogrowlong?”

“Reallylong?”

“No.Imeantothyshoulders.ItisthusIwouldhavetheewearit.”

“AsGarbointhecinema?”

“Yes,”hesaidthickly.

Nowthemakingbelievewascomingbackinagreatrushandhewouldtakeitalltohim.Ithadhimnow,andagainhesurrenderedandwenton.“Soitwillhangstraighttothyshouldersandcurlattheendsasawaveoftheseacurls,anditwillbethecolorofripewheatandthyfacethecolorofburntgoldandthineeyestheonlycolortheycouldbewiththyhairandthyskin,goldwiththedarkflecksinthem,andIwillpushthyheadbackandlookinthyeyesandholdtheetightagainstme—”

“Where?”

“Anywhere.Whereveritisthatweare.Howlongwillittakeforthyhairtogrow?”

“Idonotknowbecauseitneverhadbeencutbefore.ButIthinkinsixmonthsitshouldbelongenoughtohangwellbelowmyearsandinayearaslongasthoucouldsteverwish.Butdoyouknowwhatwillhappenfirst?”

“Tellme.”

“WewillbeinthebigcleanbedinthyfamousroominourfamoushotelandwewillsitinthefamousbedtogetherandlookintothemirrorofthearmoireandtherewillbetheeandtherewillbemeintheglassandthenIwillturntotheethus,andputmyarmsaroundtheethus,andthenIwillkisstheethus.”

Thentheylayquietandclosetogetherinthenight,hot-aching,rigid,closetogetherandholdingher,RobertJordanheldcloselytooallthosethingsthatheknewcouldneverhappen,andhewentonwithitdeliberatelyandsaid,“Rabbit,wewillnotalwaysliveinthathotel.”

“Whynot?”

“WecangetanapartmentinMadridonthatstreetthatrunsalongtheParqueoftheBuenRetiro.IknowanAmericanwomanwhofurnishedapartmentsandrentedthembeforethemovementandIknowhowtogetsuchanapartmentforonlytherentthatwaspaidbeforethemovement.Thereareapartmentstherethatfaceontheparkandyoucanseealloftheparkfromthewindows;theironfence,thegardens,andthegravelwalksandthegreenofthelawnswheretheytouchthegravel,andthetreesdeepwithshadowsandthemanyfountains,andnowthechestnuttreeswillbeinbloom.InMadridwecanwalkintheparkandrowonthelakeifthewaterisbackinitnow.”

“Whywouldthewaterbeout?”

“TheydraineditinNovemberbecauseitmadeamarktosightfromwhentheplanescameoverforbombing.ButIthinkthatthewaterisbackinitnow.Iamnotsure.Butevenifthereisnowaterinitwecanwalkthroughalltheparkawayfromthelakeandthereisapartthatislikeaforestwithtreesfromallpartsoftheworldwiththeirnamesonthem,withplacardsthattellwhattreestheyareandwheretheycamefrom.”

“Iwouldalmostassoongothecinema,”Mariasaid.“ButthetreessoundveryinterestingandIwilllearnthemallwiththeeifIcanrememberthem.”

“Theyarenotasinamuseum,”RobertJordansaid.“Theygrownaturallyandtherearehillsintheparkandpartoftheparkislikeajungle.Thenbelowitthereisthebookfairwherealongthesidewalkstherearehundredsofboothswithsecond-handbooksinthemandnow,sincethemovement,therearemanybooks,stoleninthelootingofthehouseswhichhavebeenbombedandfromthehousesofthefascists,andbroughttothebookfairbythosewhostolethem.IcouldspendalldayeverydayatthestallsofthebookfairasIoncedidinthedaysbeforethemovement,ifIevercouldhaveanytimeinMadrid.”

“WhilethouartvisitingthebookfairIwilloccupymyselfwiththeapartment,”Mariasaid.“Willwehaveenoughmoneyforaservant?”

“Surely.IcangetPetrawhoisatthehotelifshepleasesthee.Shecookswellandisclean.Ihaveeatentherewithnewspapermenthatshecooksfor.Theyhaveelectricstovesintheirrooms.”

“Ifyouwishher,”Mariasaid.“OrIcanfindsomeone.Butwiltthounotbeawaymuchwiththywork?Theywouldnotletmegowiththeeonsuchworkasthis.”

“PerhapsIcangetworkinMadrid.IhavedonethisworknowforalongtimeandIhavefoughtsincethestartofthemovement.ItispossiblethattheywouldgivemeworknowinMadrid.Ihaveneveraskedforit.Ihavealwaysbeenatthefrontorinsuchworkasthis.

“DoyouknowthatuntilImettheeIhaveneveraskedforanything?Norwantedanything?Northoughtofanythingexceptthemovementandthewinningofthiswar?TrulyIhavebeenverypureinmyambitions.IhaveworkedmuchandnowIlovetheeand,”hesaiditnowinacompleteembracingofallthatwouldnotbe,“IlovetheeasIloveallthatwehavefoughtfor.IlovetheeasIlovelibertyanddignityandtherightsofallmentoworkandnotbehungry.IlovetheeasIloveMadridthatwehavedefendedandasIloveallmycomradesthathavedied.Andmanyhavedied.Many.Many.Thoucanstnotthinkhowmany.ButIlovetheeasIlovewhatIlovemostintheworldandIlovetheemore.Ilovetheeverymuch,rabbit.MorethanIcantellthee.ButIsaythisnowtotelltheealittle.IhaveneverhadawifeandnowIhavetheeforawifeandIamhappy.”

“IwillmaketheeasgoodawifeasIcan,”Mariasaid.“ClearlyIamnotwelltrainedbutIwilltrytomakeupforthat.IfweliveinMadrid;good.Ifwemustliveinanyotherplace;good.IfwelivenowhereandIcangowiththee;better.IfwegotothycountryIwilllearntotalkInglélikethemostIngléthatthereis.IwillstudyalltheirmannersandastheydosowillIdo.”

“Thouwiltbeverycomic.”

“Surely.IwillmakemistakesbutyouwilltellmeandIwillnevermakethemtwice,ormaybeonlytwice.TheninthycountryifthouartlonesomeforourfoodIcancookforthee.AndIwillgotoaschooltolearntobeawife,ifthereissuchaschool,andstudyatit.”

“Therearesuchschoolsbutthoudostnotneedthatschooling.”

“Pilartoldmethatshethoughttheyexistedinyourcountry.Shehadreadoftheminaperiodical.AndshetoldmealsothatImustlearntospeakIngléandtospeakitwellsothouwouldstneverbeashamedofme.”

“Whendidshetellyouthis?”

“Todaywhilewewerepacking.ConstantlyshetalkedtomeaboutwhatIshoulddotobethywife.”

IguessshewasgoingtoMadridtoo,RobertJordanthought,andsaid,“Whatelsedidshesay?”

“ShesaidImusttakecareofmybodyandguardthelineofmyfigureasthoughIwereabullfighter.Shesaidthiswasofgreatimportance.”

“Itis,”RobertJordansaid.“Butthouhastnottoworryaboutthatformanyyears.”

“No.Shesaidthoseofourracemustwatchthatalwaysasitcancomesuddenly.ShetoldmeshewasonceasslenderasIbutthatinthosedayswomendidnottakeexercise.ShetoldmewhatexercisesIshouldtakeandthatImustnoteattoomuch.Shetoldmewhichthingsnottoeat.ButIhaveforgottenandmustaskheragain.”

“Potatoes,”hesaid.

“Yes,”shewenton.“Itwaspotatoesandthingsthatarefried.AlsowhenItoldheraboutthisofthesorenessshesaidImustnottelltheebutmustsupportthepainandnotlettheeknow.ButItoldtheebecauseIdonotwishtolietotheeeverandalsoIfearedthatthoumightthinkwedidnothavethejoyincommonanylongerandthatother,asitwasinthehighcountry,hadnottrulyhappened.”

“Itwasrighttotellme.”

“Truly?ForIamashamedandIwilldoanythingfortheethatthoushouldwish.Pilarhastoldmeofthingsonecandoforahusband.”

“Thereisnoneedtodoanything.Whatwehavewehavetogetherandwewillkeepitandguardit.Ilovetheethuslyingbesidetheeandtouchingtheeandknowingthouarttrulythereandwhenthouartreadyagainwewillhaveall.”

“ButhastthounotnecessitiesthatIcancarefor?Sheexplainedthattome.”

“Nay.Wewillhaveournecessitiestogether.Ihavenonecessitiesapartfromthee.”

“Thatseemsmuchbettertome.ButunderstandalwaysthatIwilldowhatyouwish.ButthoumusttellmeforIhavegreatignoranceandmuchofwhatshetoldmeIdidnotunderstandclearly.ForIwasashamedtoaskandsheisofsuchgreatandvariedwisdom.”

“Rabbit,”hesaid.“Thouartverywonderful.”

“Quéva,”shesaid.“ButtotrytolearnallofthatwhichgoesintowifehoodinadaywhilewearebreakingcampandpackingforabattlewithanotherbattlepassinginthecountryaboveisararethingandifImakeseriousmistakesthoumusttellmeforIlovethee.Itcouldbepossibleformetorememberthingsincorrectlyandmuchthatshetoldmewasverycomplicated.”

“Whatelsedidshetellthee?”

“PuessomanythingsIcannotrememberthem.ShesaidIcouldtelltheeofwhatwasdonetomeifIeverbegantothinkofitagainbecausethouartagoodmanandalreadyhaveunderstooditall.Butthatitwerebetternevertospeakofitunlessitcameonmeasablackthingasithadbeenbeforeandthenthattellingittotheemightridmeofit.”

“Doesitweighontheenow?”

“No.Itisasthoughithadneverhappenedsincewewerefirsttogether.Thereisthesorrowformyparentsalways.Butthattherewillbealways.ButIwouldhavetheeknowthatwhichyoushouldknowforthyownprideifIamtobethywife.NeverdidIsubmittoanyone.AlwaysIfoughtandalwaysittooktwoofthemormoretodometheharm.Onewouldsitonmyheadandholdme.Itelltheethisforthypride.”

“Myprideisinthee.Donottellit.”

“Nay,Ispeakofthyownpridewhichitisnecessarytohaveinthywife.Andanotherthing.Myfatherwasthemayorofthevillageandanhonorableman.MymotherwasanhonorablewomanandagoodCatholicandtheyshotherwithmyfatherbecauseofthepoliticsofmyfatherwhowasaRepublican.Isawbothofthemshotandmyfathersaid,‘VivalaRepublica,’whentheyshothimstandingagainstthewalloftheslaughterhouseofourvillage.

“Mymotherstandingagainstthesamewallsaid,‘VivamyhusbandwhowastheMayorofthisvillage,’andIhopedtheywouldshootmetooandIwasgoingtosay‘VivalaRepublicayvivanmispadres,’butinsteadtherewasnoshootingbutinsteadthedoingofthethings.

“Listen.Iwilltelltheeofonethingsinceitaffectsus.Aftertheshootingatthemataderotheytookus,thoserelativeswhohadseenitbutwerenotshot,backfromthemataderoupthesteephillintothemainsquareofthetown.Nearlyallwereweepingbutsomewerenumbwithwhattheyhadseenandthetearshaddriedinthem.Imyselfcouldnotcry.IdidnotnoticeanythingthatpassedforIcouldonlyseemyfatherandmymotheratthemomentoftheshootingandmymothersaying,‘LonglivemyhusbandwhowasMayorofthisvillage,’andthiswasinmyheadlikeascreamthatwouldnotdiebutkeptonandon.FormymotherwasnotaRepublicanandshewouldnotsay,‘VivalaRepublica,’butonlyVivamyfatherwholaythere,onhisface,byherfeet.

“Butwhatshehadsaid,shehadsaidveryloud,likeashriekandthentheyshotandshefellandItriedtoleavethelinetogotoherbutwewerealltied.TheshootingwasdonebytheguardiacivilandtheywerestilltherewaitingtoshootmorewhentheFalangistsherdedusawayandupthehillleavingtheguardiascivilesleaningontheirriflesandleavingallthebodiesthereagainstthewall.Weweretiedbythewristsinalonglineofgirlsandwomenandtheyherdedusupbythehillandthroughthestreetstothesquareandinthesquaretheystoppedinfrontofthebarbershopwhichwasacrossthesquarefromthecityhail.

“Thenthetwomenlookedatusandonesaid,‘ThatisthedaughteroftheMayor,’andtheothersaid,‘Commencewithher.’

“Thentheycuttheropethatwasoneachofmywrists,onesayingtoothersofthem,‘Tieuptheline,’andthesetwotookmebythearmsandintothebarbershopandliftedmeupandputmeinthebarber’schairandheldmethere.

“IsawmyfaceinthemirrorofthebarbershopandthefacesofthosewhowereholdingmeandthefacesofthreeotherswhowereleaningovermeandIknewnoneoftheirfacesbutintheglassIsawmyselfandthem,buttheysawonlyme.Anditwasasthoughonewereinthedentist’schairandthereweremanydentistsandtheywereallinsane.MyownfaceIcouldhardlyrecognizebecausemygriefhadchangeditbutIlookedatitandknewthatitwasme.ButmygriefwassogreatthatIhadnofearnoranyfeelingbutmygrief.

“AtthattimeIworemyhairintwobraidsandasIwatchedinthemirroroneofthemliftedoneofthebraidsandpulledonitsoithurtmesuddenlythroughmygriefandthencutitoffclosetomyheadwitharazor.AndIsawmyselfwithonebraidandaslashwheretheotherhadbeen.ThenhecutofftheotherbraidbutwithoutpullingonitandtherazormadeasmallcutonmyearandIsawbloodcomefromit.Canstthoufeelthescarwiththyfinger?”

“Yes.Butwoulditbebetternottotalkofthis?”

“Thisisnothing.Iwillnottalkofthatwhichisbad.SohehadcutbothbraidsclosetomyheadwitharazorandtheotherslaughedandIdidnotevenfeelthecutonmyearandthenhestoodinfrontofmeandstruckmeacrossthefacewiththebraidswhiletheothertwoheldmeandhesaid,‘ThisishowwemakeRednuns.Thiswillshowtheehowtounitewiththyproletarianbrothers.BrideoftheRedChrist!’

“Andhestruckmeagainandagainacrossthefacewiththebraidswhichhadbeenmineandthenheputthetwooftheminmymouthandtiedthemtightaroundmyneck,knottingtheminthebacktomakeagagandthetwoholdingmelaughed.

“AndallofthemwhosawitlaughedandwhenIsawthemlaughinthemirrorIcommencedtocrybecauseuntilthenIhadbeentoofrozeninmyselffromtheshootingtobeabletocry.

“Thentheonewhohadgaggedmeranaclippersallovermyhead;firstfromtheforeheadallthewaytothebackoftheneckandthenacrossthetopandthenallovermyheadandclosebehindmyearsandtheyheldmesoIcouldseeintotheglassofthebarber’smirrorallthetimethattheydidthisandIcouldnotbelieveitasIsawitdoneandIcriedandIcriedbutIcouldnotlookawayfromthehorrorthatmyfacemadewiththemouthopenandthebraidstiedinitandmyheadcomingnakedundertheclippers.

“Andwhentheonewiththeclipperswasfinishedhetookabottleofiodinefromtheshelfofthebarber(theyhadshotthebarbertooforhebelongedtoasyndicate,andhelayinthedoorwayoftheshopandtheyhadliftedmeoverhimastheybroughtmein)andwiththeglasswandthatisintheiodinebottlehetouchedmeontheearwhereithadbeencutandthesmallpainofthatcamethroughmygriefandthroughmyhorror.

“ThenhestoodinfrontofmeandwroteU.H.P.onmyforeheadwiththeiodine,letteringitslowlyandcarefullyasthoughhewereanartistandIsawallofthisasithappenedinthemirrorandInolongercriedformyheartwasfrozeninmeformyfatherandmymotherandwhathappenedtomenowwasnothingandIknewit.

“Thenwhenhehadfinishedthelettering,theFalangiststeppedbackandlookedatmetoexaminehisworkandthenheputdowntheiodinebottleandpickeduptheclippersandsaid,‘Next,’andtheytookmeoutofthebarbershopholdingmetightbyeacharmandIstumbledoverthebarberlyingtherestillinthedoorwayonhisbackwithhisgrayfaceup,andwenearlycollidedwithConcepciónGracía,mybestfriend,thattwoofthemwerebringinginandwhenshesawmeshedidnotrecognizeme,andthensherecognizedme,andshescreamed,andIcouldhearherscreamingallthetimetheywereshovingmeacrossthesquare,andintothedoorway,andupthestairsofthecityhallandintotheofficeofmyfatherwheretheylaidmeontothecouch.Anditwastherethatthebadthingsweredone.”

“Myrabbit,”RobertJordansaidandheldherascloseandasgentlyashecould.Buthewasasfullofhateasanymancouldbe.“Donottalkmoreaboutit.DonottellmeanymoreforIcannotbearmyhatrednow.”

Shewasstiffandcoldinhisarmsandshesaid,“Nay.Iwillnevertalkmoreofit.ButtheyarebadpeopleandIwouldliketokillsomeofthemwiththeeifIcould.ButIhavetoldtheethisonlyforthyprideifIamtobethywife.Sothouwouldstunderstand.”

“Iamgladyoutoldme,”hesaid.“Fortomorrow,withluck,wewillkillplenty.”

“ButwillwekillFalangists?Itwastheywhodidit.”

“Theydonotfight,”hesaidgloomily.“Theykillattherear.Itisnotthemwefightinbattle.”

“Butcanwenotkilltheminsomeway?Iwouldliketokillsomeverymuch.”

“Ihavekilledthem,”hesaid.“Andwewillkillthemagain.Atthetrainswehavekilledthem.”

“Iwouldliketogoforatrainwiththee,”Mariasaid.“ThetimeofthetrainthatPilarbroughtmebackfromIwassomewhatcrazy.DidshetelltheehowIwas?”

“Yes.Donottalkofit.”

“IwasdeadinmyheadwithanumbnessandallIcoulddowascry.ButthereisanotherthingthatImusttellthee.ThisImust.Thenperhapsthouwiltnotmarryme.But,Roberto,ifthoushouldnotwishtomarryme,canwenot,then,justbealwaystogether?”

“Iwillmarrythee.”

“Nay.Ihadforgottenthis.Perhapsyoushouldnot.ItispossiblethatIcanneverbeartheeeitherasonoradaughterforthePilarsaysthatifIcoulditwouldhavehappenedtomewiththethingswhichweredone.Imusttelltheethat.Oh,IdonotknowwhyIhadforgottenthat.”

“Itisofnoimportance,rabbit,”hesaid.“Firstitmaynotbetrue.Thatisforadoctortosay.ThenIwouldnotwishtobringeitherasonoradaughterintothisworldasthisworldis.AndalsoyoutakealltheloveIhavetogive.”

“Iwouldliketobearthysonandthydaughter,”shetoldhim.“Andhowcantheworldbemadebetteriftherearenochildrenofuswhofightagainstthefascists?”

“Thou,”hesaid.“Ilovethee.Hearestthou?Andnowwemustsleep,rabbit.ForImustbeuplongbeforedaylightandthedawncomesearlyinthismonth.”

“ThenitisallrightaboutthelastthingIsaid?Wecanstillbemarried?”

“Wearemarried,now.Imarrytheenow.Thouartmywife.Butgotosleep,myrabbit,forthereislittletimenow.”

“Andwewilltrulybemarried?Notjustatalking?”

“Truly.”

“ThenIwillsleepandthinkofthatifIwake.”

“I,too.”

“Goodnight,myhusband.”

“Goodnight,”hesaid.“Goodnight,wife.”

Heheardherbreathingsteadilyandregularlynowandheknewshewasasleepandhelayawakeandverystillnotwantingtowakenherbymoving.Hethoughtofallthepartshehadnottoldhimandhelaytherehatingandhewaspleasedtherewouldbekillinginthemorning.ButImustnottakeanyofitpersonally,hethought.

ThoughhowcanIkeepfromit?Iknowthatwediddreadfulthingstothemtoo.Butitwasbecausewewereuneducatedandknewnobetter.Buttheydidthatonpurposeanddeliberately.Thosewhodidthatarethelastfloweringofwhattheireducationhasproduced.ThosearetheflowersofSpanishchivalry.Whatapeopletheyhavebeen.WhatsonsofbitchesfromCortez,Pizarro,MenéndezdeAvilaalldownthroughEnriqueListertoPablo.Andwhatwonderfulpeople.Thereisnofinerandnoworsepeopleintheworld.Nokinderpeopleandnocrueler.Andwhounderstandsthem?Notme,becauseifIdidIwouldforgiveitall.Tounderstandistoforgive.That’snottrue.Forgivenesshasbeenexaggerated.ForgivenessisaChristianideaandSpainhasneverbeenaChristiancountry.IthasalwayshaditsownspecialidolworshipwithintheChurch.OtraVirgenmás.Isupposethatwaswhytheyhadtodestroythevirginsoftheirenemies.Surelyitwasdeeperwiththem,withtheSpanishreligionfanatics,thanitwaswiththepeople.ThepeoplehadgrownawayfromtheChurchbecausetheChurchwasinthegovernmentandthegovernmenthadalwaysbeenrotten.Thiswastheonlycountrythatthereformationneverreached.TheywerepayingfortheInquisitionnow,allright.

Well,itwassomethingtothinkabout.Somethingtokeepyourmindfromworryingaboutyourwork.Itwassounderthanpretending.God,hehaddonealotofpretendingtonight.AndPilarhadbeenpretendingallday.Sure.Whatiftheywerekilledtomorrow?Whatdiditmatteraslongastheydidthebridgeproperly?Thatwasalltheyhadtodotomorrow.

Itdidn’t.Youcouldn’tdothesethingsindefinitely.Butyouweren’tsupposedtoliveforever.MaybeIhavehadallmylifeinthreedays,hethought.Ifthat’strueIwishwewouldhavespentthelastnightdifferently.Butlastnightsareneveranygood.Lastnothingsareanygood.Yes,lastwordsweregoodsometimes.“VivamyhusbandwhowasMayorofthistown”wasgood.

Heknewitwasgoodbecauseitmadeatinglerunalloverhimwhenhesaidittohimself.HeleanedoverandkissedMariawhodidnotwake.InEnglishhewhisperedveryquietly,“I’dliketomarryyou,rabbit.I’mveryproudofyourfamily.”